Suddenly the last nine months are gone and I’m joined by a new little responsibility. Being his mother has been easy so far. I’m able to take off a full twelve weeks and spend it holding the Wiggly Little Boy. (And I do seem to be holding him the entire time, he doesn’t like to be put down!)
I managed to wind up projects at work and hand things off before I left with plenty of time. Didn’t have to rush out of the office in a hurry to deliver, which was one of my fears. It felt surreal to walk out and know it would be three months before I need to think about work again.
It’s certainly a change of pace and a big mental adjustment to spend my days thinking about eat-play-sleep cycles and where to get the best deal on diapers instead of coding and debugging. Although you could say that every crying fit is it’s own debugging session. Hungry? No. Dirty diaper? No. Needs to burp? Maybe that fixed things…
I try not to base my identity on things like my job. If I did I would feel more lost right now while I’m not doing any software development. It is still my calling and I plan to continue, but now I have an additional vocation as a mother. Finding the balance between the two things that I want to do my best at is going to be a continual challenge.
One of the biggest hurdles is going to be my return to work. I cried hard enough dropping my puppy off at daycare, I can hardly imagine leaving my kid. Especially right now, when I’ve barely been more than a few hundred feet away from him. It makes me nervous to know I won’t be the one taking care of him and watching him as he grows up, but I’m still his mother.
I don’t plan on compromising my career plans and fulfilling role because I have a baby and I don’t plan on compromising my role as his mother just because I am working outside of my home. I know that there are going to be compromises along the way, because as much as I wish I could stay home and be there for every milestone, I also want to be able to provide him a good future by doing a job I love. It will be a constant adventure of figuring out how to do both to the very best of my abilities.