Change Is In The Air

It’s been another couple of months since the last time I logged in to make a post. It’s been a whirlwind in the intervening time: work, family, house fixes during the good weather…

But enough with the excuses, life is always going to demand attention, and whatever I spend my time on is what I’m prioritizing. I still want to make this one of those priorities. Writing out my thoughts and experiences has made me feel empowered, like I have a voice and a story that matters.

Last year around this time was when I started to kick this idea of my own website and brand into high gear. It was the beginning of many long term projects, including the home improvement projects necessary for us to move into the house we purchased one short year ago today. Somehow I managed to continue to prioritize writing through everything that was going on until it all started to settle down in April. Or so I thought…

The biggest excuse I have for neglecting this pastime since then is that I found out I was pregnant in April. My husband and I will happily welcome our new family member this holiday season, and I’m excited for the prospect that we will be adding that new member one year after growing the family by one puppy.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

At the same time as the anticipation of something so wonderful, I’ve been worrying about all the change that comes with it. It feels like the expectation is for this experience to make irrevocable changes to who I am, and while I believe that every experience leads us to the people we are in the moment, I get uncomfortable with the idea that motherhood is the end-all-be-all of life altering events. I’m the same person today as I was one year ago, but I’ve grown through all the experiences I’ve had in that time. My identity isn’t tied up in other people, but in who I am in response to their impact on my life. I don’t want being a mom to be regarded as my crowning accomplishment.

I have loads of excitement about my role as a mother and getting to know and grow the new human joining my life, but at the same time, there are a lot of other plans that are also important to me and who I want to be. I still plan to go back to the job I love, writing software and learning how to improve, at the same time as getting to share what I am learning with others. I still plan to encourage young people to get interested in coding. I still plan to write.

I worry that my voice will change, my focus will change and that my unique perspective will be lost. I want to feel that I am still myself. I’m scared that this is going to change who I see myself to be, and I want to stay grounded in who I am, not who others expect me to be.

This is my life, this is my excitement. I’m as ready as I need to be, or I will be by the time it actually happens. (I hope!) I need to make as much or as little fuss about this as I feel like in the moment. Life should be lived in a balance, and I anticipate this balance will be one of the most important things I ever endeavor to learn. All I can say is I hope I am up to the task.

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